I haven’t posted something in months and that is partly because of my overly crowded mind, which made it hard to put thoughts together into words. Subsequently, I believed that there was no point in trying.
When I decided to give myself the chance to write things down, I realized how immensely helpful writing could be.
So what happened?
Post graduation blues or whatever that is called.
Quoting Leslie Knope from Parks and Recreation: “I’m floating in this giant river of ambiguity. I’m under a warm waterfall of uncertainty”
After some time, I kept trying to put this feeling on hold by distracting myself as much as I could.
kitchen, family, books. exercise, language learning, etc…
I created a comfort zone that was so difficult to get out of.
I have grown more reclusive.. getting in touch with my people has made me feel uneasy.
I suppose I did not want to be confronted with questions.
I have been struggling with contradicting thoughts, unstable emotions and unanswered questions. I have been berating myself for what I did and didn’t, should and shouldn’t.
My feelings have been continuously juggling between happiness, sadness, utter joy, enthusiasm, guilt and frustration.
I got tired of myself…
In spite of that, my gratitude level (thankfully) has not gone low. I find happiness in the littlest of things and I am ever so content with what I have been given.
And yet, I find it hard to be content with what I am doing…
We struggle to grow.. How often do we recall this fact when we go through something unpleasant?
not so often I guess?
I used to be a believer of positive thinking…. but that changed some time last year. I found it strange that coming across the term “positive thinking” has sometimes become irritating to me.
One reason is because some people make it sound too easy to choose thoughts/feelings.
I experienced (and still sometimes experience) periods of deep sadness and often, I let the feelings be there.
I let those feelings be there and take their time because I know they are temporary.. I know that the light will return.
but being patient becomes more difficult…
then unwanted thoughts sink into your mind and consume you.
I feel stuck.
I feel grateful everyday, yet I feel stuck.
I feel content, yet I question my own existence.
I am happy, yet feel sad.
Full of contradictions…
It is not about happiness though, because I have countless reasons to feel happy.
Perhaps it is about deserving happiness when you think you’re not changing for the better, when you’re not feeling useful…
Perhaps this is a phase that will pass I say. And although this is most likely true, recurrent feelings of sadness and frustration have proven to be far more dangerous than I thought they would be. Even if I am to get over with this phase, I know that my heart has been tainted, my judgment has been clouded and part of my soul has been ruined.
For that, I couldn’t let it pass without purifying what’s been tainted and restoring what’s been ruined.
Even when I seem to know what the problem is, even when the solution seems to be right in front of me, knowing is far different from embodying.
And so I find myself rather stuck in limbo.
When one is their own worst critic, the battle can become infuriating, and this is when you fear things getting out of control.
When self-criticism reaches the point of questioning one’s own existence and worthiness, it is very much difficult not to be hard on one’s self because you think you’re going backwards.
You feel absolute helplessness..
You lift your heart up to God and you find comfort in reassuring yourself that time heals all..
and before you burst out,
you see a ray of light
A ray of light that brings you closer to God
You feel His love, His guidance, His mercy, His generosity
you learn that feeling helpless is okay but being hopeless isn’t
then struggle becomes so dear and your heart has no place for despair
you learn that being positive is not the key but balance is
And while maintaining balance is not easy and that light does not come with answers, this mere realization comforts you in one way and encourages you to continue your journey in another.
We are told to believe that we can choose to feel or be a certain way, but why?
Why suffer from forcing something into and out of our minds?
Why not let things be?
Why not accept the fact that we rise and fall?
Because acceptance will eventually teach us to live with uncertainties, embrace our insecurities and value the struggle.
Attaining those realizations does not happen overnight though. Even if we do attain them, there is so much to work on and so much so learn.
Thankfully, I am blessed with two to help me along the way: Faith in God and my family.
The greatest blessings of all, and for that I am sincerely grateful.
May we all be blessed with inner peace and live to bring good to the world ~~~